Once when I was in my early teens my dad was driving me to school and on the radio was a news report about people who had been murdered out in some rural area, their bodies had been found in barrels of salt, I started crying about this and my dad had looked over, disgusted and sarcastic and said
“what, you think you're too good for this world?”
that really confused me, it was like he was saying I was being self indulgent and precious for being shocked and scared by what I had heard, and now a lot of times when i'm upset by things that happen in the world my mind goes back to that and I feel like I should harden the fuck up but I was thinking about it today and it's also like he was saying “you/'those people are not worth more than being chopped up and put in barrels of salt” now maybe he'd had a shitty morning or maybe he was trying to teach me not to be so sensitive but he also used to tell me a lot that I should love everyone. And doesn't loving people kind of extend to the notion that they are worth more than brutal arbitrary murder? I don't think being hurt by something means you think you are too good for it, but since he took it there, isn't the consensus that we are too good for that sort of crap? Isn't that why 'don't kill people for kicks/or at all” the most widespread social law? It's the one thing pretty much everyone seems to agree on. I wish I knew what he meant.
So anyway last night after coming back from the therapists I was freaking out talking/ranting to myself trying to claw through the walls and get out of the world, sort of generally freaking out like I havnt in years and im still a bit shaken up by it I wanted to go back to hospital so I didnt hurt myself but couldn't for the life of me figure out how to do it, if I called an ambulance it'd be embarrassing if the neighbours saw it. I cant be that sick if im still concerned about stuff like that was my conclusion so I calmed down and watched cartoons until my boyfriend came home.
I wanted to say other stuff, like how if society is a construct and i'm a natural phenomenon then isn't the fact that I dont fit here more an indictment on society than me, but i'm also a construct and society is also a natural phenomenon so that doesnt work, but it does feel like people kept telling me I was different and strange and wrong and thats why I became different and strange, I dont think I was born wrong I was a good kid, just too nervous.
It feels like this is the next stage of natural selection, if you cant cope with what you are and what humanity is then you're out of the game. But what I secretly think is that there are a lot more people like me than there are people who say it's a sickness and that we'll get through it, and we'll be ok.
The internet's cut out so I took that as a sign to delete some stuff i'd written and now I guess i'm just going to sit here and watch misfits and wait for the connection to come back on and wish I had a special power obviously because that would be pretty fancy.
I think that the best thing about the world is the stories; movies and television and songs and books. For a little while today I was like, “i am too good for this fucking world” but I watched misfits and that was good and then my boyfriend came back and we watched lars and the real girl, and that was very even though I got a bit suspicious that he might be a doll, and later on i'll read dances with dragons and these are all wonderful stories.
There's times when I think that everything is so twisted and fucked up, the sick fact that we're shown all these images of sick and starving children and the people who could fix it aren't fixing it, and it must be a joke the depraved things people do to each other, and i'm not helping, I don't do anything, I go to protests when I can will myself out of the house and I donate to charity when I think I can afford it but I dont get off my arse and volunteer but then how could I when i'm so scared all the time and then what right do I have to say how the world is hurts, and around and around it goes. And i've never really tried to hurt anyone, except for horrible things said to people I love, that I can remember but ive wanted to and ive treated people like shit because I just didn't care and it all compounds so maybe I dont deserve beautiful stories about hope and honour anymore than I deserve violence and suffering around me, if I only got what I gave, the rest of the world would cease to be and I would be in a pokey little room with bits of rubbish floating round the floor, so it's like they say in riget, take the good with the bad and i'm grateful I guess, grateful for my life and that it takes more than me clawing at walls and asking to leave for it to stop.
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